I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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