Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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