whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
