my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
