Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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