You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
