he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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