i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
