my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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