Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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