i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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