Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
