idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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