how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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