I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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