someone owes me an orgasm
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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