I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just invented taco cereal.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
