so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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