That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
