need another drink. this is the easiest way
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
