just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
