Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize