she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
