the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
