I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
