apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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