and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
