things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
