He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
