Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
