I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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