I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
