Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
