I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
