Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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