Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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