I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
