Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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