i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
