No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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