Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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