and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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