hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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