The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
