I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
