nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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