I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
