Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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