If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
