I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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