Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
