I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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