life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
