Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
