someone threw a dead crab at me
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
