she was so not down for the gang bang
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
