whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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