It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
as a side note pls kill me
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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